I said goodbye to a dear friend today...

Snuggles has been in my life for 17 years, even before Mark. She was such a sweet, unique kitty, and I loved her from the day I brought her home! Ha, I really don't know what my parents were thinking letting me keep her when I literally snuck her into our home and told them the next day! I was back living at home at that time, and they even took care of her for several months when I lived in a house where I couldn't bring her. She was one of my most faithful and true friends, and was such a comfort to me. In cat years, she was well over one hundred years old. Though I know she had a wonderful life with us, I was not ready to say goodbye. The past few days she has not seemed herself and had really been dropping weight. We took her to our vet, and found out she was not doing well at all. They ran a test for their own purposes and didn't charge us, but as they suspected, she had cancer...very invasive at that point.

So, ironically enough, we picked up the kids from their first day of Kindergarten and third grade to say goodbye. Ellie, Mark, and I are by far having the hardest time. The kids didn't know the details exactly, and won't until they are older. But they knew she was very sick and was not going to live. Ellie said she thought we were going to keep Snuggles, and I told her I knew wanted to too. It just about broke my heart saying goodbye to my sweet friend. I will always love and miss her.

Part of me can't believe I'm going though this. I just told my other kitty friend goodbye four months ago. Today I sent off my little girl to Kindergarten. I've been fighting some significant PPD. The timing simply sucks, but there was nothing I could do. Oh, and to top it off, I have a super busy week.

I felt so crushed and heartbroken. Yet in the pain and the hurt, I am blessed with for my family, and most of all the hope that is deep inside of me and at times masked by this depression. I could share that with my kids as we talked about Snuggles. Snuggles was a cat, and I don't know if somehow animals have an afterlife. I really like Ellie's thought that maybe God sends a beloved pet to the new earth that will one day be free of sin. I would really love to one day see her and her sidekick Fluffy.

It's because of sin that there is hurt and pain and that horrible word death. I so wish it was not true, but it is. When I was growing up, I would try to do things right and be good enough. Hey, even now, I struggle with trying too hard or being too hard on myself as a mom, wife, etc. When I was young, I had to let go and realize that it was all about Jesus being the perfect One, the only One who could make me good enough and free. There was absolutely nothing I could do but reach out and accept His gift. It totally goes against what our culture tells us, but there is only one way and only One who can offer us eternal life with Him. As I was taking a shower this afternoon, I was thinking about loss and death. I realized again what a gift it is to know that I don't have to fear death. I have hope even in the midst of pain.

I'm exhausted, my head hurts, and my heart hurts. I'm so very human. I so hope I can sleep long and well tonight. This is such a personal post that I hesitate a bit to share it. I needed to type this out, if nothing else for my own grieving process.